????

So I just suddenly remember him. 4 or 5 years ago, don’t know back then why there’s so much thoughts about it. Maybe it’s just because I didn’t had a chance to said it. Even now. Is it me, him or time that didn’t want to deal with it. I thought time would fix it. I thought someday everything would be alright. But I’m wrong. It’s just make the scars getting bigger and bigger. Don’t know how to describe it. Don’t know how to fix it. It’s just... complicated.

So many scenario played in my head. I just wondered, if I told him, would he smile and say ‘yes’? or would he just stare at me dissapointly, like ‘why now? Why you didn’t told me 4 or  5 years ago when I just so into it? When we both just so into it?’. That’s what I’ve been afraid. I can’t bear to heard the answer that would out of his mouth.

Maybe I just hesitated. And so he did. Maybe we just hesitated and scared about what’ll happen next to us. Or maybe (what I’ve been afraid of) he were not so into me. I don’t know since I didn’t ask him yet. We knew we were just kids back then. We just want to played around like the others. But that was the first and real crush I’d ever felt in my life. And that was hit me so hard. But still, he didn’t know. We didn’t know because we’re so busy hesitant about all those feelings. All I know is that he got me. Right there. But I missed the timing. ‘Cause I just fucking introvert, fucking stupid kid, and fucking love him. That’s all what I knew back then.

I don’t know is it just me, or what but I hope something would turn back the time to that day, so I would said those words to him. Or maybe hope to had a chance now, or tomorrow, or someday to said  those words. To said, ‘I ever had a first crush in high school. The first and the real one. That’s you. The one that always made me smiled everytime I saw your face in school. The one that always made my mood up whenever you showed up in front of my class. And the one that always called my name differently. That’s you.’