25 years old.

Hi, my 16 year old self.

You must be wondering how your 25 year old self looking.

Relax. You'll become more pretty and educated, hahaaa.

And you still choose carreer over lover. You still prioritize yourself first, as expected.

But, there are some few things you should know. Your self right there thinking and hating some things, and your 25th self is still through it right now.

You thought, people who commited suicide are because they're weak and their mental state is not healty. And you commited yourself to wake up and exercise so that suicidal thought won't come to you. But, guess what? Your 25 year old self through it right now. Although she is run, doing boxing, exercise as much as she could, while maintain her worklife balance, she still can't escape from those suicidal thoughts. She become more and more sad.

In her age, she feel sad because her romance life didn't work out as she thought. She was love a guy too hard but didn't accept it when that guy couldn't gave the same amount of love as she gave him. And thats why they broke up. She didn't satisfied about her romance life. But she learn, what relationship that she really wants. A real partner.

When your 20 you'll know that so many guys are felt lower than you. They thought their self esteem are lower when they stand right beside you. That's why you asked a guy out first and dating when you're 20. What you want is a boyfriend who's not feel intimidated by your existence. A boyfriend who's not intimidated you or tried to dominance you. What you want is a partner who can learn and growth together. Not make you fall, but support you as you support him too. You want a partner as a mutual relationship and you wanna feel satisfied about it.

But, it's 2022 and you still can't find him. You'll know that your 25 year old crying because of her ex. Yeah. Fucking asshole ex. And that's okay. Crying for ex is normal, and you don't have to rejected this feeling. Accept your feeling is the key to bring your inner peace. And make a way to resolve it. Or let it be. Not everything can be controlled. So just let it go.

You thought your 25 gonna be shining✨, but its not. We are still human being, after all. Still have so many flaws.

What your parents through, maybe you feel it too. You'll sense your father are workaholic and not enjoy just sitting around doing nothing. And he love his family so much that he forget to love himself as much as he loves you. You'll realize your mom still do what she gotta do as a mom. Tryna survive while making life better. You'll realize your life is more important and you'll become comfortable enough with yourself. And in this age, all you can do is accepting yourself as if this feeling and thought is exist. You can't just ignore it, because it will come again. All the things you couldn't control and fix, you started to accept it as it is. And bring the peace of it.

If the happy feeling comes, accept it. If the sadness come, accept it. It's okay to sometimes have some mental breakdown. So you'll rise again. You know I'll never give up on you, right?💜 so please stay alive until then. Until your 25. Until 50 and until your old and died.

Please enjoy it as much as you can and don't regret too much about the past. You got this.💜✨

Hello, my 17 year old self.

Dear, my 17 year old self.

I'm sorry. I dissappointed you.

Your 25 y.o self in the future is not like what you imagined and expected.

You failed so much things, you give up so much things, yo‌u go miles away from h‌ome.

But you still through the same pain. The pain you've been ignored for a long time just because you don't know how to fix it.

So you let it go. Rather, running away from it.

But ‌it still the same. ‌When you're 18 you learn alot about psychology and how to heal. But just know how, doesn't mean you can do it. Not everyone can do it, even when they know how. 

You just need the time, accept it, and keep going on, doing your stuff. Because that's the only thing you can do. The pain will keep coming, it will hurt again, but in different feelings.

Don't be too judgy. Don't judge the person who has suicidal thoughts is the weak human. Believe me, most of your 20s will full of this suicidal thoughts. But don't be panic. You still love yourself and still scared to die.

You'll understand, you're not weak. You are... like another people, fighting for your own life. So you don't have to feel like if something don't go your way  doesn't mean your not capable enough to take care of it. Please stop thinking you're not good enough. Because that thoughts only make you greedy for things you can't have, feel numb and empty and ended up pushing away a person who trully love you.

Your 25 y.o still figured out how to accept and let things be. Cause not everything need to be fixed. And when the pain comes again, your 25 y.o self always tell herself,

"It's okay. We're human after all. So, please don't be hard on yourself. Please stay alive."

Catatan untuk diri sendiri dan perempuan-perempuan hebat di luar sana

Pilih laki2 yg mau perjuangkan lu balik.

Jangan laki2 yg terima sa lu pung perasaan, yg nyaman sa terima lu pung effort, tapi dia snd usaha balik buat kas senang lu. Dia tanya "lu mau punya hubungan seperti apa?" sa sonde💔

Yang kek begitu, blacklist. Please, you're worth so much. Jangan abisin waktu lu yg berharga buat meratapi laki2 yg sama sekali snd kasih effort atau usaha di bsng pung hubungan.

Kalau ada laki2 yg datang dan komitmen mau berjuang, kasih kesempatan. Biar sama2 belajar.

Relationship.... Is really fragile.

All i hope is... That relationship last longer as long as i thought it could be.

16/03/2022

Itu semangat membara... Apa masih ada?

Sejauh yang b ingat, b pung diri terlalu banyak api didalamnya.

Passion.

Sonde gampang menyerah sampai akhirnya dapat yang diinginkan.

Lalu apinya padam.

Sonde bersisa sama sekali.

Padam. Gelap dan dingin jadinya.

B masih mencari sisa-sisa api di b pung diri 

B su mulai lebih mengenali b pung diri.

Mulai lebih santai dalam menanggapi omongan orang.

Sudah lebih legowo. Mungkin ini yang dirasain semua yang su 25 tahun.

Walaupun hidup dalam ketidakpastian, tapi sudah lebih menerima.

"It's okay, it's fine" yang selalu didengungkan buat beta dari awal 20-an tahun untuk dijadikan kalimat penenang, sekarang su jadi bagian dari setiap hembusan napas. Itu kalimat su melekat dalam b pung diri. Su lebih santuy. Su lebih menertawakan diri sendiri.

Dan 25 tahun.

B jadi sadar, hal yang b cintai, yang b sukai, pantas buat diperjuangkan.

Karena dulu b terlalu cuek dengan orang lain, dan lebih baper dan afeksi dengan orang-orang terdekat dalam b pung circle, jadinya b lebih berharap dan terus kecewa.

Somehow sekarang b su lebih legowo dengan orang asing. Lebih welcome dengan orang luar, tapi sonde terpengaruh dengan hal yang buat b down.

Su 25 tahun. B su lebih tau, kadang sonde semua emosi perlu dikontrol. Ada beberapa yang perlu disalurkan di orang yang tepat.

Aaahh... 25 tahun.

Jadi ingat lagunya IU - Pallete. Hahaha.

Setelah pulang kupang, b harus mulai lagi b pung usaha buket bunga.

Itu hal yang b rintis dari dulu. Dari awalnya tertarik, menjadi suka, lalu jatuh cinta dengan b pung karya sendiri.

Lalu dengan gampangnya b buang dan kasih tinggal. Lupa dulu b berjuang sekeras apa dan bahagia sebesar apa waktu kembangkan usaha itu.

Itu karena b pung rasa minder. Rasa sonde cukup. Rasa sonde puas.

Hal yang seharusnya baik. Bunga yang seharusnya mekar, malah layu pas masih jadi kuncup.

Setelah pergi, baru sadar hal-hal baik yang su terjadi di b.

Buket bunga yang iseng b buat. Buket pertama yang b kasih untuk teman skripsi. Nama brand buket di IG yang pertama b kasih nama @buketbungayakusa, karena itu kalimat dari HMI. Bukan karena organisasinys yang bagus, tapi karena orang-orang baik disana.

Orang-orang yang waktu kuliah, jadi teman baik. Lalu mendukung b pung usaha. Dong tau sebesar dan sekeras apa b pung cinta dan usaha untuk buat usaha sendiri. Bahkan sebelum b sadar.

Teman-teman baik yang mendukung, bantu iklan, bahkan ju ikut beli waktu dong skripsi.

Darma, Syarti, Amrin, dan dinda² HMI yang su dukung.

Yati, firda, sugeng, ocha, imad, yulet, heni, lita dan teman² magic dan teman SMA yang beli b pung buket.

B ju ingat pesanan pertama dari orang asing. Karena Aldi kasih story di dia pung IG (Instagram), itu orang pesan untuk setahun peringatan hari meninggalnya dia pung mama.

Buket pertama yang b buat adalah buket duka.

Tapi b jadi termotivasi untuk bikin dan berkarya lai.

Aaahh... B harap b bisa buat lai nanti pas balik Kupang.

Kenapa isinya (ini tulisan) kebanyakan soal b pung usaha ni? Hahaha.

Mungkin b sedang mencari sisa rasa suka, makna rasa sayang, dan sisa-sisa api semangat yang masih ada disana.

Dan pas b tulis ini, ternyata memang masih ada passion di dalam situ.

Haah... Baik usaha, maupun hubungan, b lepas begitu sa, karena b pung emosi yang belum bisa b kenali kalau lagi kalut.

Sekarang, b rasa itu emosi mulai padam. Seiring waktu. Eh sonde sih.

Lebih karena b pergi ke tempat jauh, dimana sonde akan ketemu sumber rasa sakit maupun kebahagiaan b pung dulu.

Tapi akhirnya sekarang b mengerti. Cukup lama baru akhirnya mengerti kalau rasa cinta harus lebih besar dari rasa benci yang bikin sakit. Biar bisa untuk terus hidup. Ini kalimat semua orang tahu. Cuma untuk jalani, pasti susah.

Pantas banyak orang yang bilang, "kalau terlalu lelah, sampai capek dan muak dengan semuanya, berpeganglah pada sesuatu. Apapun itu. Mau itu ibadah, minum alkohol, olahraga, hobi apapun itu, berpeganglah pada itu. Biar tetap bisa jalani hidup."

Pada akhirnya, sonde perlu harus mengerti ataupun mengendalikan hal yang di luar b pung jangkauan. Cukup fokus di b pung diri dan biarkan semua berlalu. Cukup mengerti manusia itu abu-abu. Kalau ada sisi baiknya, pasti ada buruknya.

Pada akhirnya, ini cuma masalah menerima.

Menerima dan ikhlas.

Kalau su lewat ini tahap, mungkin mulai berkomitmen.

Komitmen untuk jangka panjang. Baik itu dengan b pung diri sendiri, komitmen dengan usaha yang b jalani supaya konsisten, maupun komitmen dengan hubungan b dengan orang lain.

Aahh... B sekarang mengerti kenapa ibu berkomitmen dan bertahan lama dengan bapak.

Mungkin karena selama ini, Ibu su menerima dan mengikhlaskan.

END.