My 20th Birthday Would be Like...

Hi! it's been a few months since my last post.
I don't wanna make a reason that I'm so busy or anything else. But I had so many stories happened in this year and I can't wrote it down in here when I was in a deep pain and emotionally.

So, here we go. Today, 30th October 2016, I'm officially 20 years old. First of all, I thank to ALLAH SWT who gave me this life with full of love and always protected me every seconds of my life, Thank you,Ya Rabb. thank for my parents who always love and support me for everything that I do, even though sometimes I made them angry but they always praying and give me the best, I really proud and happy to have you both <3. thank to my sister who always listen to my stories and always fight with me in every situation. thank to my 2 brothers who always pretended innocent when I got angry and made me like their little sister. thank to all my friends who received my bright and dark side of myself. and thank for them who always love me even I didn't know them. thank you so much for every little love you all gave me and made my lovely day. In this twenty years of my life, I had feel so many damn emotions. happy, sorrow, guilty, sad, anger, love, obsession, confused, hate, and, so many other feelings that I can't described. so I want to tell you "some" stories that mixed all my feelings in a second.

In march 2016, my dear friend, Bobby, has passed away. this gave me a total shock. I can't believe it, 'cause I just had a chat with him a few months ago and that a young boy like him would leave all of us in his young age. he's still 19. we were just had a conversation about that damn certificate (I forget what certificate it is), and a few months later... he's gone. At first, I was like "this is joke, right?" or "please tell me it's a magic show or something, 'cause this happened really fast".  and everyone said, "this is his destiny" which gave me totally sick. I met Bobby (fullname: J. K.) in junior high school and we were a classmate for 3 years. He's a christian. But like the other christian in Kupang, Nusa Tenggara Timur, he was kind and tolerance about other religion. I remember clearly in my head when we're at 3rd grade and just had a conversation (about a senior who wore hijab and when she is in high school she removed her hijab), Bobby told me for not removed my hijab like that senior did. and I replied, "of course. I had no reason to removed my hijab." he's the one of my friend that told me to keep my faith for being muslim while the others was curious how I looked if I removed my hijab. It's not like I still wore hijab because of him. what I want to say is I'm really proud for had such a kind friend like him. and I thought it would be difficult to find a friend like him. there's no other like him. Rest in peace, my dear friend.

I thought that just happened once in this year. I didn't want to  think that "someone near me would leave me again". but in this month, 8th october 2016, my mom just woke me up from my nap and told me that my grandma has passed away. My grandma, Hj. Siti Halimah Musa were gone. I suddenly sat and froze. can't thought of anything. this is a dream, right? I could laid down and pretended to sleep again, thought this was just a dream and everything would be fine. but my mom still there and told me everything what happened to grandma that day. I can't said anything. I can't cried. I don't know why but I didn't know how to expressed my emotion at that time. This is the first time that someone who really close to me were gone. grandma was a kind person. She angry with us every time but she's always take care of us. when I was a child, she never let us starved and always made a various cake for us. that was my reason that I really love cake. she's the one that teach us how to read IQRA' when I was 6 years old until I can read AL-Qur'an clearly when I was 8. she helped me when I would had a test in school about Shalat. I remember when she tied my hair up. I remember when she stroked my hair 'till I fall asleep. I remember her voice when she read Quran. I remember when in 8, she slapped my face 'cause I read Ayat of Quran wrongly, and I cried out loud. I remember when in 11, she said something that I thought it was harsh and then I dropped the plate angrily into pieces in front of her. I remember that she always love my sister more than me and it changed when my sister went to college far from this town. I remember that I always make any excuse for not called her when she was far away from me. I remember when the last time I wanna talked to her, and my aunt said that she slept, I just hung up and didn't called again after that day come. and all of that would be just a memories for me 'cause all that I can do are remember and pray for her... 7 days later, after my grandma gone, I cried out loud to my sister through the phone. I cried really hard, thought why I didn't take care my grandma when she's still here. or at least spent all my time to had a chat with her. I love her. I should said that to her before she gone. all I can do was cried over and over again with all the pain in my heart.

Rest in Paradise, my lovely Grandma. you know we always love you..

I'm sorry, I can't continue this. I cried emotionally when wrote this while I thought of my grandma.

that was all of my stories. I will write more article when my emotions are stabilized.

thank you for read this post. hope you always healthy and don't forget to call your family.

this is me with my grandma. This photo was took 2 years ago, when I was in the first year of college.