Hello, my 17 year old self.

Dear, my 17 year old self.

I'm sorry. I dissappointed you.

Your 25 y.o self in the future is not like what you imagined and expected.

You failed so much things, you give up so much things, yo‌u go miles away from h‌ome.

But you still through the same pain. The pain you've been ignored for a long time just because you don't know how to fix it.

So you let it go. Rather, running away from it.

But ‌it still the same. ‌When you're 18 you learn alot about psychology and how to heal. But just know how, doesn't mean you can do it. Not everyone can do it, even when they know how. 

You just need the time, accept it, and keep going on, doing your stuff. Because that's the only thing you can do. The pain will keep coming, it will hurt again, but in different feelings.

Don't be too judgy. Don't judge the person who has suicidal thoughts is the weak human. Believe me, most of your 20s will full of this suicidal thoughts. But don't be panic. You still love yourself and still scared to die.

You'll understand, you're not weak. You are... like another people, fighting for your own life. So you don't have to feel like if something don't go your way  doesn't mean your not capable enough to take care of it. Please stop thinking you're not good enough. Because that thoughts only make you greedy for things you can't have, feel numb and empty and ended up pushing away a person who trully love you.

Your 25 y.o still figured out how to accept and let things be. Cause not everything need to be fixed. And when the pain comes again, your 25 y.o self always tell herself,

"It's okay. We're human after all. So, please don't be hard on yourself. Please stay alive."